When Life Gives you lemons
by Pylat The Goblin
Summary: The Earl of Lemongrab literally has no penis. How the hell is he supposed to have sex? I wonder if he shoots lemon creme or lemon juice... And who did he find (outside of his clone) that's 'acceptable' enough?


The gloam of the night was almost serene. Princess Bubblegum was finally immersed in enough silence to begin her newest experimental trials. She readied Cinnamon Bun on the table and prepped her gloves and goggles to get working.

"Hnnauugh, what am I doing on the table again?" the talking cinnamon roll asks, his gravelly voice puts Bubblegum off as she closes in.

"Just relax, Cinnamon Bun. This may hurt, or if my calculations are correct, this may be the best sensation of your life. I'm not going to sit here and give you empty promises, it's probably one or the other," She says, idly stroking at Cinnamon Bun's thigh while she writes her notes on a piece of paper..

Just then, a crash resounds from behind the two. With the silence broken, both the princess and Cinnamon Bun flinch in shock. The earl of Lemongrab and his camel burst forth from the wafer cookie wall as they make an abrupt entrance. The reckless move sends the earl off of his sour steed, and tumbling across the ground. Lemongrab rolls forth until he bumps into Bubblegum's feet, making absolutely no action or reaction to the situation. Princess bubblegum is left to only gaze at the earl as he lays prone on his back, listless...

"BUUUUAAAAAAAGGHHHH!" Lemongrab shrieks as he stands up in a flash. He overpowers his creator with sheer force, snatches her up, and runs out the door through the empty halls.

"Ngh, What about me?!" Cinnamon Bun shouts desperately, his nerve-wracked erection stands alone in the empty room. Cinnamon bun seriously contemplates suicide, for having been denied any sort of intimacy from another living being for so long, he sees no need to exist... The thought gets replaced by hunger though, and he leaves to find something to eat.

Meanwhile, the candy doors of Bubblegum's boudoir shatter apart, the princess is sent flying into her own bed with a violent bounce. Lemongrab seems off for some reason. His eyes are filled with a silent desperation, and although he doesn't show it in his face, his body tells it all, shredding every single garment from his body, and presenting his mighty 0 inches of man in front of the princess. Bubblegum sighs in her mind, thanking the fact that she didn't give her failed creation reproductive organs, but she's soon startled into a shout as Lemongrab does the same with the princess, clutching handfuls of her clothing and tearing it apart as she fights. Bubblegum, absolutely terrified, screams out. "What in Grod's name do you think you're doing, earl!?"

"THE RITUAL MUST BE DONE. IT MUST BE DOOONE! THE FEELINGS COMPEL ME WITH INEXPLICABLE DRIVE, THEREFORE IT MUST BE DONE!" Lemongrab shouts, ripping Princess Bubblegum's labcoat and dress apart

"WHAT RITUAL?" the princess asks, matching tones with the earl.

With Bubblegum stripped of all but enough remains to barely contain her decency, Lemongrab backs away for a moment, consumed with strain. His groans and growls and hunches over in visible pain. His naked body begins to change, bending and bulging as it travels from his head, down his torso, ending at his loins. A solid, yellow-colored erection violently bursts forth from his depths, as his testes hang free in twain.

"THE COPULATION RITUAL! IT MUST COMMENCE! YOU WILL BEAR NEW LIFE TO AN HEIR FOR MY THRONE, AND ONE TO TAKE YOURS AS WELL"

"But I can just MAKE an heir for you!" Bubblegum replies, staring straight at the earl.

Lemongrab stops cold. His flat, emotionless gaze returns, and a new perspective concept floats in his mind. All of this could end, he thought, and he could have his heir. The thought of copulating with.. anything.. sounds displeasing to him, as well. There's no reason to keep going at all. "Hmmm..." he contemplates.

"No. the ritual must commense," Lemongrab hastily says, followed by another ear-splitting shout, "FOREPLAY!".

The earl gently slaps the princess' soft, pink face. PB doesn't understand much of what's going on, but decides to stop fighting, only out of curiosity. Before she can ask what Lemongrab is doing, she gets a faceful of his hands. Lemongrab kneads and twists into Bubblegum's malleable flesh, forming it into unrecognizable shapes. Her

"I kinda fear what you have in mind for intercourse, lemongrab," PB remarks through the exposed half of her mouth, the rest of which is folded under her right temple.

"SILENCE!" he shouts. Illiciting a scowl and incredibly crooked glare from Bubblegum.

Lemongrab closes his body into his partner's, trying harder to make an ideal shape out of Bubblegum's face, groaning and straining in his nervous pitch until he achieves the desired shape: a lemon. It's sideways, but takes it anyways. Bubblegum, completely aware of her lemon-head only glares at him further.

"AND NOW, YOU WILL BEAR MY LEMON CHILD, MY SURROGATE,"

Lemongrab inserts himself deep within Bubblegum's soft, rubbery loins. The sensation makes lemongrab shudder and babble incoherently in sheer disgust. He musters up every ounce of power to not burst out of his rind as he gives his hips one good thrust, then stops completely. His face returning to its default again.

"HNNH..." he says impatiently. "Nothing's happening yet".

"ARE YOU GONNA GET OFF OF ME NO-"

"RRRITUAAAALLLLL! YOU WILL BEAR MY CHILDREN AND TAKE 1 YEAR OF DUNGEON FOR EVERY SECOND IT TAKES!"

Lemongrab, driven too far continues to display his impatience on the matter, raising bubblegum's closed legs above her abnormally-shapen head and rests them on his shoulder. He had grown tired of her existence, and wanted this to be over. If he just closed his eyes and imagined the incredibly long dungeon sentence she'd get for this, maybe it would help move things along as he thrusts himself some more.

"One year dungeon. Two years dungeon.. Three years, NNNHHH! FOUR, FIVE, SIX.."

Lemongrab counted faster and faster the more he moved. The more he could take his mind off the disgusting feeling of 'sexual pleasure', the easier he could move along until he became more and more aroused at the thought of Bubblegum incarcerated in his dungeon.

"Y-yyou'll rot in the dungeons for this," he says. "Fed gruel merely to sustain the suffering of your sentence...Mmh."

"Are you getting some kind of blopping rise out of this!?" Bubblegum asks, more peturbed than ever.

"silence, you gummi worm," Lemongrab hisses, bucking harder and harder.

"EIGHTY NINE, NINETY, NINETY WHUUHH... SOMETHING IS HAPPENING.."

" 'bout time, too." PB says under her breath.

"A RISING SENSATION WELLS FROM BETWIXT MY LEGS. IT IS UNSAVORY A FEELING, BUT IT URGES ME TO CON.. TIN.. UE,"

Lemongrab flails about at wild speeds, girating his hips into Princess Bubblegum. He lasts a very short moment until he shrieks to the sky, "WWUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHH!"

The earl's vital lemon juices flow into Bubblegum, and he deflates a tad. Exhausted, Lemongrab falls to the floor and crawls away, making his escape.

Bubblegum, left in bed and filled with lemon juice, lays on her side. She reels in shock of what just happened, hoping some rest will help ease her mind. The first failed experiment bubblegum made still proves to be a mystery to her.

Finn, on the way to the candy kingdom one fine afternoon, contemplates ways to impress the princess.

"Realy all girls like is honesty, and if you're /honestly/ cool around her- not trying to impress her in any obvious way, then you'll develop a stronger bond! It's all about the 3 Cs, Finn. Confidence, Competence... and C... CC.. the opinions of other women" Jake says, as the two trek into the Candy Kingdom.

"So you're saying if I act cool and /aloof/, she'll be so subtly attracted to me that she'll fall for me?"

"Couldn't be more wrong, Finn,"

The two of them enter the castle, too immersed in the conversation to notice that no one is manning the castle. In fact, it didn't seem like anyone was around at all.

"Too late," Finn remarks, "I'm already set on this. Today, PB is gonna drop those pantaloons, and it's straight to tier 15, woo!"

Jake angrily inflates ten times his size, almost offended at the idea He gets stuck, crushing the ceiling and floor with his sheer size. "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TIER FIFTEEN, FINN!? YOU STAY AWAY FROM THAT!"

"Pssh, it's not like I'm gonna be reckless about it, just having a little excitement in my life."

"YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIRES THE LIKES OF WHICH WOULD BURN FLAME PRINCESS ALIVE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME YOUNG MAN?"

"Actually, I like the sound of that." Finn says, walking towards a flight of stairs

"FINN, I'M WARNING YOU!" Jake shouts from the other side of the hall, but Finn gives nary a fuck, entering the lab upstairs, and slithering over to the princess with nonchalant elegance. Finn steals a hunk of Bubblegum's hair as he leans his back against the table, looking away. In a moment of silence, Finn calmly greets the princess.

"Hey."  
No response.

She's caught breathless- it must be working. Finn, confident he's acting as badass as humanly possible, takes a bite of the gum in his hand. As he begins to chew, the taste begins to iritate the flesh of his mouth. It was sour, like eating a whole lemon slice, peel and all, it was practically disgusting. The acrid taste was too much, so he spits the gum out so very close to vomiting. Between spitting out the sour saliva in his mouth, Finn manages to ask, "What's going on with your taste PB? You taste like le..mon..s...?"

Just then pb turns aroun, yellow in the face and shaped like a lemon. In her arms, twin lemon-gum children. In unison, the family wails out loud at Finn who screams as well in a startle. Finn makes a dash out the door, unable to make heads or tails of the situation. He grabs Jake by the arm and pulls him out in quite a hurry. What kind of abominable disaster did Lemongrab set forth this time? 'not gonna be my problem,' Finn thought as he kept a steady sprint for the hills.

Finn and Jake never did return again.

And Lemongrab is probably jerking his juices out knowing he imprisoned the entire candy kingdom. What a sour end to this story...


End file.
